Behind Every Alpha Asian...

You know you're getting older when there's a movie called Hot Tub Time Machine. I've always been a fan of the time travel genre, but when you cross the genre with VH1's I Love the 80's, that's an irresistible combination for me. I can't travel through time and be my own mentor, but I do feel an obligation to give younger men a heads up on life to come.

A lot of Asian American sites catering to men talk about improving the AA male image and picking up women. But as a female co-blogger once wrote, there isn't enough talk about how to maintain a good relationship:

"What I come across most frequently is advice on how to pick up women or other dating tips. Guys will ask each other if they 'scored' but rarely will guys have an in-depth discussion about their long-term relationship. Men (and women) become far less interested in making a relationship good once it goes into the long-term maintenance phase. But why? How do you get better at a relationship without having people (that you don't have to pay) to turn to?"

My wife and I have been married for 9 years. Here are some of the things I've observed of our relationship and of the relationships of other couples, both young and old:

1) Give her some sugar. Women desire ambitious men. Ambition shows that you have drive, goals and dreams in mind. These things are very appealing to most women, because it shows that you have emotional depth, you have interests and you have foresight.

The problem is that women also want you to spend lots and lots of time with them. They will start complaining about how you're always working or how you spend too much time on your hobbies or how you should just give up on your dreams of being the next American Idol.

It's sort of a paradox: women want you to be ambitious and interesting, but at the same time they don't want to play second or third fiddle to your ambitions and dreams. Not only this, but they only want you to have ambitions in practical interests they're interested in. You may want to be the king of Donkey Kong or give up your career as a doctor to pursue acting and comedy, but your lady is not going to have that. No siree!

The bottom line is you got to give your wife or your girlfriend "some sugar." She may want you to spend more time with her and the kids. She may want you to play a more active role as a father and husband. She may just want you to quit playing video games all the time and go out. You got to give the lady some sugar on a regular basis to let her know she's the number one person in your life. As long as you maintain a balance between your interests and your loved ones, then your wife or girlfriend should be supportive of you pursuing your interests.

2) She will always up the commitment level, so you better go along if she's the one. Women have a nesting instinct, so they will push for greater and greater levels of commitment as time goes on. If it weren't for women, then humanity would be stuck in the Stone Age. Guys have a tendency to want stay put in a relationship, "Why should we get married? It's only a piece of paper, and we're already living together?"

But once a woman attains a level of commitment, she will always want to up it to next the level. Forget the fact that you like how things are, and that you think things are pretty good, "Kids? But that'll cut down on spontaneous sex all over the house!"

You guys been dating for awhile? Time to move in together!

You guys living in an apartment? Better save up for a down payment on a house.

Enjoying these dates with your wife every weekend? Forget about it, because she wants lots of kids.

You want to retire on a quiet farm? That's not what she has planned for you, bub! She wants to travel the world till the day you die and long after.

Men value stability in a relationship, but to women that's simply boring. Women are always looking to progress the relationship to the next level, and ultimately, men become better people because of this.

3) Your relationship dynamic will change over time. Whereas men supposedly hit their sexual peak at 20, women supposedly hit their sexual peak at 30-35. So while you're waning, she's rising.




The funny thing is that over the years, your relationship dynamic will change and follow this pattern as well. At the beginning of your relationship, you're at or approaching your prime and she'll be head over heels with you. She'll do whatever you want to do and support you in whatever you want. For lack of a more PC term, you're wearing the pants in the relationship.

Over the years, however, your significant other is going to know all your tricks. You won't be able to woo her so easily, and she'll tire of your shenanigans. If anything, she's calling the shots now in the relationship. Just like the sexual energy, the relationship dynamic is shifting from you to her. Before you know it, you'll be a senile fogey, and she'll be the one wearing the pants in the family. You, well, you'll probably be wearing diapers.