Behind Every Alpha Asian...




You know you're getting older when there's a movie called Hot Tub Time Machine. I've always been a fan of the time travel genre, but when you cross the genre with VH1's I Love the 80's, that's an irresistible combination for me. I can't travel through time and be my own mentor, but I do feel an obligation to give younger men a heads up on life to come.

A lot of Asian American sites catering to men talk about improving the AA male image and picking up women. But as a female co-blogger once wrote, there isn't enough talk about how to maintain a good relationship:

"What I come across most frequently is advice on how to pick up women or other dating tips. Guys will ask each other if they 'scored' but rarely will guys have an in-depth discussion about their long-term relationship. Men (and women) become far less interested in making a relationship good once it goes into the long-term maintenance phase. But why? How do you get better at a relationship without having people (that you don't have to pay) to turn to?"

My wife and I have been married for 9 years. Here are some of the things I've observed of our relationship and of the relationships of other couples, both young and old:

1) Give her some sugar. Women desire ambitious men. Ambition shows that you have drive, goals and dreams in mind. These things are very appealing to most women, because it shows that you have emotional depth, you have interests and you have foresight.

The problem is that women also want you to spend lots and lots of time with them. They will start complaining about how you're always working or how you spend too much time on your hobbies or how you should just give up on your dreams of being the next American Idol.

It's sort of a paradox: women want you to be ambitious and interesting, but at the same time they don't want to play second or third fiddle to your ambitions and dreams. Not only this, but they only want you to have ambitions in practical interests they're interested in. You may want to be the king of Donkey Kong or give up your career as a doctor to pursue acting and comedy, but your lady is not going to have that. No siree!

The bottom line is you got to give your wife or your girlfriend "some sugar." She may want you to spend more time with her and the kids. She may want you to play a more active role as a father and husband. She may just want you to quit playing video games all the time and go out. You got to give the lady some sugar on a regular basis to let her know she's the number one person in your life. As long as you maintain a balance between your interests and your loved ones, then your wife or girlfriend should be supportive of you pursuing your interests.

2) She will always up the commitment level, so you better go along if she's the one. Women have a nesting instinct, so they will push for greater and greater levels of commitment as time goes on. If it weren't for women, then humanity would be stuck in the Stone Age. Guys have a tendency to want stay put in a relationship, "Why should we get married? It's only a piece of paper, and we're already living together?"

But once a woman attains a level of commitment, she will always want to up it to next the level. Forget the fact that you like how things are, and that you think things are pretty good, "Kids? But that'll cut down on spontaneous sex all over the house!"

You guys been dating for awhile? Time to move in together!

You guys living in an apartment? Better save up for a down payment on a house.

Enjoying these dates with your wife every weekend? Forget about it, because she wants lots of kids.

You want to retire on a quiet farm? That's not what she has planned for you, bub! She wants to travel the world till the day you die and long after.

Men value stability in a relationship, but to women that's simply boring. Women are always looking to progress the relationship to the next level, and ultimately, men become better people because of this.

3) Your relationship dynamic will change over time. Whereas men supposedly hit their sexual peak at 20, women supposedly hit their sexual peak at 30-35. So while you're waning, she's rising.




The funny thing is that over the years, your relationship dynamic will change and follow this pattern as well. At the beginning of your relationship, you're at or approaching your prime and she'll be head over heels with you. She'll do whatever you want to do and support you in whatever you want. For lack of a more PC term, you're wearing the pants in the relationship.

Over the years, however, your significant other is going to know all your tricks. You won't be able to woo her so easily, and she'll tire of your shenanigans. If anything, she's calling the shots now in the relationship. Just like the sexual energy, the relationship dynamic is shifting from you to her. Before you know it, you'll be a senile fogey, and she'll be the one wearing the pants in the family. You, well, you'll probably be wearing diapers.


Comments

anna123 said…
Great post Alpha Asian, so true.....whether from family, friends or loved ones, to be alpha you really need the love and support of others!

As an aside, nine years together? wow, thats awesome.

I read on the net a U.S study that found that men and women usually need to have (and then break up with) on average 12 stable relationships before they meet ""the one"", which is te thirteenth person they date.

Dont know how true that is though, as Im only up to no. 4th, so got another 8 to work through before reaching the 13th relationship lol.....
J said…
I read on the net a U.S study that found that men and women usually need to have (and then break up with) on average 12 stable relationships before they meet "the one", which is the thirteenth person they date.

Yeah I'm sure it's different with each person. Plus who knows how they defined "stable relationships?" Does it mean living together? Does it mean going out for longer than a month? Who knows?

Let's say your love life doesn't start until after college. If we arbitrarily defined a stable relationship as a one year commitment, then according to this study, you wouldn't meet your significant other until your 30's.

From what I can tell amongst all the people I know, people tend to fall in 2 groups: they married in their 20's or they married in their 30's. The ones who married in their 20's married some time after college, because they were with their high school or college sweetheart.

the ones who married in their 30's either dated around and went through at most a handful of "stable relationships" before settling down, OR they just went remained singled before they met someone and latched on for dear life.

I think when it comes down to it, there is no special someone. You're just ready to settle down or you're not. And when you are ready to settle down, whoever comes next or that special someone you're with happens to be it.
MojoRider said…
Interesting post. I'll throw my two cents in.

You have to WORK at your relationship. Once you pair up, it doesn't mean it's all a bed of roses and pretty sunsets all the time. You have to learn about patience with the other person and more importantly, compromise. Pretty soon, you start finding out other aspects to your partner that wasn't so evident when you started out dating. But when you're living together, it's the small things that you notice. Things like, she can't go to sleep unless it's DEAD quiet but you like to listen to the radio as your drift off. Or that she likes the left hand side of the bed, which is typically YOUR side of the bed, etc...

Another important element is TRUST. Don't ever violate trust. Once you do, it's over; if you cheat, your relationship is forever changed. It's okay to go out with the boys and get hammered and flirt with the ladies but if you stray, you have to live with the guilt. And if she's willing to let you go out, you better let her go out with her girlfriends and not get jealous. It's about trusting each other.

If you don't have it out of your system, don't settle down. Plain and simple. I've seen a few guys at work who've thrown their marriages and half their pensions away because they cheated every chance they could get. I knew one guy whose wife and kids were beautiful, the guy threw it all away just to have some party girls on the side.
anna123 said…
""there is no special someone. You're just ready to settle down or you're not. And when you are ready to settle down, whoever comes next or that special someone you're with happens to be it""

Thats an interesting take on it, that it depends more on ourselves (that we're ready) rather than the person we're meeting that determines whether we settle down with them? or maybe its 50:50?

Personally, I want to believe in romance, lol.....surely "the one" is waiting out there somewhere, lol hahaha!

""TRUST. Don't ever violate trust. Once you do, it's over""

Agree with you 100% Mojo! some people are just plain greedy, and cant help themselves.......seriously, I dont understand why some people cheat at all!! itll be good if they all got the memo; STOP ACTING GREEDY, SELFISH DOGS!! ONE'S MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR YOU!! lol
Politics Brat said…
LOL. Thanks for this post. I'm freaked out inside...for years I yearned for a date, and last week I had one...and now I regularly see her and we keep in touch daily.

Problem is I'm currently far away from my potential, financially and socially. She's on the same boat with me, but I'm VERY aware that she wants a gentleman with steady income and schedule.

In the past I slacked around with my life because I thought "meh, I won't get that girl anyway..." and back to my anime and games; but now I'm thinking "she needs a guy she can bring home...I must be up to that."
J said…
I've seen a few guys at work who've thrown their marriages and half their pensions away because they cheated every chance they could get. I knew one guy whose wife and kids were beautiful, the guy threw it all away just to have some party girls on the side.

God, tell me about. I knew an ex-police chief who was retired for quite some time. He had to come out of retirement and come back as an officer, because he cheated on his wife. They got divorced, and she sunk her teeth on to his pension.

But he remarried, and he's happier than ever.


That's an interesting take on it, that it depends more on ourselves (that we're ready) rather than the person we're meeting that determines whether we settle down with them? or maybe its 50:50?

Personally, I want to believe in romance, lol.....surely "the one" is waiting out there somewhere, lol hahaha!


Yeah it's 50:50. You're not going to settle for any shmuck, are ya, Anna? ;)
MojoRider said…
James, I dunno what it is about guys in law enforcement that a lot of them think they're Super Stud. This one task force officer had a trophy wife, beautiful kids, and he threw it away. These idiots don't realize what they have. And if you're gonna cheat, then you might as well get divorced first before you do so. They don't realize how emotionally damaging it is to their wives and kids and how the kids grow up to resent them.


@Politics Brat,

good luck but don't stress too much about not being where you want to be financially or socially right now. This economy isn't helping, but yeah, don't throw your life away sitting around with the anime and playstation stuff. If she knows you have goals, then that's a good step. And then make good on taking the steps to be where you want to be.

@anna123,

I don't know if it's being greedy or if it's being immature. Maybe it's a combination. I worked with a guy who had no problem attracting women---he was funny, tall, in shape; just one of those guys who never had a problem in picking women up. Oh, you bet he indulged. AND he cheated on his girlfriend(s). He's married now and we joked that it wouldn't last, but damn if it isn't two years later and he doesn't go out anymore. It looks like he finally got it out of his system and maybe grew up.
J said…
Problem is I'm currently far away from my potential, financially and socially. She's on the same boat with me, but I'm VERY aware that she wants a gentleman with steady income and schedule.

Well the good thing is she's still chatting with you, right? I think a lot of women look at guys and see potential. My wife looked at me and thought, "He's a little rough around the edges, but I think I can smooth them out."

Some women look at guys as "fixer uppers." As long they see potential in you (drive and ambition), then they'll give you chance.


In the past I slacked around with my life because I thought "meh, I won't get that girl anyway..." and back to my anime and games; but now I'm thinking "she needs a guy she can bring home...I must be up to that."

Women really do change men for the better. I wouldn't be doing half the things I'm doing if it wasn't for my wife.
Dali said…
"Whereas men supposedly hit their sexual peak at 20, women supposedly hit their sexual peak at 30-35. So while you're waning, she's rising."
I think that this is the other way around. Women grow uglier and the quantity of fertile eggs drops with age. Mens' virility outlasts female fertility significantly.
J said…
I think that this is the other way around. Women grow uglier and the quantity of fertile eggs drops with age. Mens' virility outlasts female fertility significantly.

That's one way to look at it. From what I understand, women have a set number of eggs in which they produced during their lifetime. Once they've produced that set number, which is different for each woman, then that's it.

Men produce sperm for the rest of their lives, but they produce less sperm over time, and their sperm becomes less "energetic." Both Charlie Chaplin and Tony Randall had a kids in their 70's for God's sake.

Anyway, what I meant by "sexual peak" was sex drive, not fertility or virility.

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